I guess it cannot always be happy and sunshine days.
This past couple of weeks is a reflection of that. My bud of 16 years is gone, I have a dear friend sick and dying in the hospital.
On a more 'lighter' side I don't have any information about my internship, I cannot get my music advisor, my international advisor or my intern supervisor to get the stuff done that I need done....
I'm off to spend most of the weekend at the hospital...
*deep breath* Here I go.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
One week 1 day..
Its been one week and one day since I lost my bud. Sometimes I want to do nothing but cry, and sometimes that is all I do. But I guess things will get better. Or maybe they won't. Either way I guess I don't have much choice but to go forwards.
It seems lately I've had time to catch up with old friends. It has been a nice reprieve. And I will take the time while I have it because I know the calm will not stay forever. Being with my family again has its ups and downs but I am settled and okay (most of the time) with where i am at. Life of the unplanned...
It seems soon I need to go into the city. A lady I used to work with is not well so I should go asap is what I got told. Sad sad sad. Life in that community was tough but I do have many dear friends from there which I am grateful for.
huh too much emotion lately. Where did my summer go!
It seems lately I've had time to catch up with old friends. It has been a nice reprieve. And I will take the time while I have it because I know the calm will not stay forever. Being with my family again has its ups and downs but I am settled and okay (most of the time) with where i am at. Life of the unplanned...
It seems soon I need to go into the city. A lady I used to work with is not well so I should go asap is what I got told. Sad sad sad. Life in that community was tough but I do have many dear friends from there which I am grateful for.
huh too much emotion lately. Where did my summer go!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Little frustrated
So this whole unplan thing whose was it anyhow? My job is gone from fine (most of the time) to me counting down the days when I am done. I hear after a very controversial board meeting because I'm so fabulous apparently, they are extending it. I almost want to just say NO! But I have nothing else in place yet, so that wouldn't be right.
Thems the bricks.
Thems the bricks.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Update of Unplan
Okay so back to the basics. I had set out to write about my life "unplanned" to allow things to happen, and try not to control my surroundings as much as I had in the past. I would say I have definitely achieved at least some part of this.
I had been hunting, planning, working on, doing paperwork endlessly to get an internship. After receiving two offers for internship, I accepted one and turned the other down. A few days later I found out that the one I had accepted fell through and the one I had turned down had already filled their spot. What a life lesson.
I sent an update to my closest friends telling them what happened, and I had officially thrown in the towel. I was not looking for more, I had two more things to look into and if nothing came from those things I was moving on with my life, whatever that meant. I sent one email to a director and she was happy to entertain accepting me as an intern. I sent in my application (which I had forgotten I had already completed) and then she asked for 2 video clips of me playing. I sent her about 8 clips as they were already done and the next day I had an internship. Easy as that.
I guess the message in all of this, no matter how hard I work, how much I put in I cannot control what happens in the end. Perhaps there is a better way of saying that but my mind has drawn a blank. What I put into this world, I am not necessarily going to get out of it. Maybe that is one of the harder lessons I have had to learn in my life. The book I just read comes to mind that even if the world tries to tear me down and rip me apart I need to continue to do what it is I am called to do. Not an easy one.
Speaking of unplanned, I saved my update because a neighbour of ours just told us that they are looking for people in my field in our area. What a coincidence. So I updated a resume quickly and drove it down there and met a lady.
Life unplanned can be alright, sometimes.
I had been hunting, planning, working on, doing paperwork endlessly to get an internship. After receiving two offers for internship, I accepted one and turned the other down. A few days later I found out that the one I had accepted fell through and the one I had turned down had already filled their spot. What a life lesson.
I sent an update to my closest friends telling them what happened, and I had officially thrown in the towel. I was not looking for more, I had two more things to look into and if nothing came from those things I was moving on with my life, whatever that meant. I sent one email to a director and she was happy to entertain accepting me as an intern. I sent in my application (which I had forgotten I had already completed) and then she asked for 2 video clips of me playing. I sent her about 8 clips as they were already done and the next day I had an internship. Easy as that.
I guess the message in all of this, no matter how hard I work, how much I put in I cannot control what happens in the end. Perhaps there is a better way of saying that but my mind has drawn a blank. What I put into this world, I am not necessarily going to get out of it. Maybe that is one of the harder lessons I have had to learn in my life. The book I just read comes to mind that even if the world tries to tear me down and rip me apart I need to continue to do what it is I am called to do. Not an easy one.
Speaking of unplanned, I saved my update because a neighbour of ours just told us that they are looking for people in my field in our area. What a coincidence. So I updated a resume quickly and drove it down there and met a lady.
Life unplanned can be alright, sometimes.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Unspeak
The message from those closest to me lately has been "don't complain" "learn some humility, you are full of yourself" and "you are undeserving, and ungrateful"
I know that at my worst, and sometimes even at my best I can be egotistical..but what does it mean to be confident, and what does it mean to be full of yourself? It seems most of the time that even my closest family/friends could careless about what happens with me so that leaves it up to me to be happy with my accomplishments..
The last three years I have been so beaten down to the ground, a little encouragement would be so helpful to get me going again. is that bad to want that?
I recently read a book that talked about doing things inspite of others and what life might hand you. 'People will bring you down, but do good anyways' etc. etc. Easier said then done.
Perhaps if I just gave up at accomplishing what I have set out to do, I would get things handed to me...
What a frustrating day. I am trying to keep myself from lashing out, but I feel like if I don't say something it will get bottled up and continue to grow inside me.
I know that at my worst, and sometimes even at my best I can be egotistical..but what does it mean to be confident, and what does it mean to be full of yourself? It seems most of the time that even my closest family/friends could careless about what happens with me so that leaves it up to me to be happy with my accomplishments..
The last three years I have been so beaten down to the ground, a little encouragement would be so helpful to get me going again. is that bad to want that?
I recently read a book that talked about doing things inspite of others and what life might hand you. 'People will bring you down, but do good anyways' etc. etc. Easier said then done.
Perhaps if I just gave up at accomplishing what I have set out to do, I would get things handed to me...
What a frustrating day. I am trying to keep myself from lashing out, but I feel like if I don't say something it will get bottled up and continue to grow inside me.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
His Hand
As I look back at this whole school internship...basic total debacle for the last 3 years I really wonder a. what was I thinking b. how did I ever manage c. what has this all been for? and d. what was I thinking.
Then out of the blue in one phone call everything changes in a flash. Something that I wouldn't dream about comes out of nothing. An internship for me, created specifically for my specifications or however you can describe this opportunity is there.
Something from nothing.
At the time I heard I was barreling through life trying to hang on, working, trying to get through my day, and out of no where I get a phone call and everything is changed. I guess I am so used to the bad things happening I lose track and forget that good things can happen, even to me. At the time I only thought, what is this new person like? What will be my role? How can I manage this? When I forget that perhaps I can trust something that comes along my path and take it without questioning it.
It is easy to trust, to praise GOD and say how blessed you are when good things happen. People will remind you that you are blessed tell you yes his hand is upon you. But what about the bad times? To say yes my G-D is here blessing me when me life is totally falling apart. But he was slowly preparing me. I said it a couple times to people whom I am close to that whatever must be coming... I cannot imagine. This was true. I could never imagine leaving school with no prospectives no plans, no money, no job.. Something from nothing.
So in the middle of this blog post I get an email from the 'debacler'himself. Telling me he knows everything that can solve this, but he is unwilliing to do it. Such is my life.
When I heard about this good news and opportunity I was very quick to praise and be thankful, now I feel like I am on this path with a fork in the road. I have been presented with this amazing opportunity but in it lies this HUGE risk...almost like there was bate hanging from a string and if I take it I would wind up with actually nothing.
Take this huge risk and put my fate into a professor's hands who thinks I am worth nothing?
But I still believe that only G-D could have ever made this happen. No human can create something from nothing. His hand is there.
Definitely unplanned.
Then out of the blue in one phone call everything changes in a flash. Something that I wouldn't dream about comes out of nothing. An internship for me, created specifically for my specifications or however you can describe this opportunity is there.
Something from nothing.
At the time I heard I was barreling through life trying to hang on, working, trying to get through my day, and out of no where I get a phone call and everything is changed. I guess I am so used to the bad things happening I lose track and forget that good things can happen, even to me. At the time I only thought, what is this new person like? What will be my role? How can I manage this? When I forget that perhaps I can trust something that comes along my path and take it without questioning it.
It is easy to trust, to praise GOD and say how blessed you are when good things happen. People will remind you that you are blessed tell you yes his hand is upon you. But what about the bad times? To say yes my G-D is here blessing me when me life is totally falling apart. But he was slowly preparing me. I said it a couple times to people whom I am close to that whatever must be coming... I cannot imagine. This was true. I could never imagine leaving school with no prospectives no plans, no money, no job.. Something from nothing.
So in the middle of this blog post I get an email from the 'debacler'himself. Telling me he knows everything that can solve this, but he is unwilliing to do it. Such is my life.
When I heard about this good news and opportunity I was very quick to praise and be thankful, now I feel like I am on this path with a fork in the road. I have been presented with this amazing opportunity but in it lies this HUGE risk...almost like there was bate hanging from a string and if I take it I would wind up with actually nothing.
Take this huge risk and put my fate into a professor's hands who thinks I am worth nothing?
But I still believe that only G-D could have ever made this happen. No human can create something from nothing. His hand is there.
Definitely unplanned.
Friday, June 24, 2011
In the beginning...
So I mentioned in my last blog that I have been motivated to read through the bible. I am starting with New Testament.. hopefully one day I'll be able to say I've read every book in the bible. For now I will focus on NT.
I'm not going to rush or plan how much I am going to read because that will be futile and I know will ultimately fail whatever ridiculous goal I set up for myself. I'm just going to read every day. I'm going to take it slow, reread things if my attention wanders, and take time to think about it all.
A few people have been 'on me' to read more, but this has really been my decision to do this. Lately I've been thinking when I grow up...lol...whenever that is and perhaps have kids, or even younger people around me who look up to me..perhaps I should know some of this. Not only that but for myself to get through this crazy life.
There is Psalm that I heard a couple of times that talks about G-D as a shield and buckler (!?!) and I know there are is more scripture that describes verses a defense or shield. Maybe one day these vereses will just come to me as I go about my day dealing with situations..you never know!
For now I'm at Matthew Chapter 3. I read over in my study book about King Herod and his whole history. I also took some time to understand the first chapter and the never ending list of names. There must have been a reason why Matthew began with that. I have no idea what that might be but I assume there must be some purpose.
I'm not going to rush or plan how much I am going to read because that will be futile and I know will ultimately fail whatever ridiculous goal I set up for myself. I'm just going to read every day. I'm going to take it slow, reread things if my attention wanders, and take time to think about it all.
A few people have been 'on me' to read more, but this has really been my decision to do this. Lately I've been thinking when I grow up...lol...whenever that is and perhaps have kids, or even younger people around me who look up to me..perhaps I should know some of this. Not only that but for myself to get through this crazy life.
There is Psalm that I heard a couple of times that talks about G-D as a shield and buckler (!?!) and I know there are is more scripture that describes verses a defense or shield. Maybe one day these vereses will just come to me as I go about my day dealing with situations..you never know!
For now I'm at Matthew Chapter 3. I read over in my study book about King Herod and his whole history. I also took some time to understand the first chapter and the never ending list of names. There must have been a reason why Matthew began with that. I have no idea what that might be but I assume there must be some purpose.
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